Thanks Thanks:  12
Likes Likes:  122
Page 8 of 10 FirstFirst ... 678910 LastLast
Results 71 to 80 of 91

Thread: Jokes April 2017

  1. Top Of Page | #71
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Describing an old movie:

    Attached Images Attached Images


    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

  2. Top Of Page | #72
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by Polaraco View Post
    There's a knee slapper
    Crazy funny but true

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  3. Top Of Page | #73
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by AnOldBiker View Post
    It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

    The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

    “Very good! Who said: ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”?

    Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Martinez.

    The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

    She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.”

    “Who said that?” she demanded.

    Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

    At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

    The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

    Again, Martinez says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

    Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

    Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

    Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little ****. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

    Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

    The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh ****, we’re in BIG trouble!”

    Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”
    This Mexican kid sure knew his American History awesome

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  4. Top Of Page | #74
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by AnOldBiker View Post
    THE MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN “GUTS” AND “*****”

    We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “*****”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
    Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

    GUTS – It is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” too ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ?”

    ***** – It is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “*****” to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

    I trust this clears up any confusion.
    ****************************
    Attention for all guys that try this: Accepted Emergency Medical Phone Number within the United States is: 911





    *********
    opps ...
    I didn't think this was on or near the line, sorry ....
    Awesome

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  5. Top Of Page | #75
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by hoe View Post
    Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
    "Yes, Father, it is."
    "And who was the girl you were with?"
    "I cant tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
    "Well, Joey, Im sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
    "I cannot say."
    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
    "Ill never tell."
    "Was it Nina Capelli?"
    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
    "My lips are sealed."
    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
    "Four months vacation and five good leads!"

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk
    Ha Ha

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  6. Top Of Page | #76
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by hoe View Post
    Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk
    So damn wrong but funny

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  7. Top Of Page | #77
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by hoe View Post
    A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman.

    He climbs on top of her.

    "Can I turn the light off?" he asks.

    "Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

    "No,.....it's burning my arse!"

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk
    Wrong but funny

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  8. Top Of Page | #78
    hoe's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    .

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk


  9. Likes Cummins7, AnOldBiker, Ryankables liked this post
  10. Top Of Page | #79
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    I've always like this one, that's why I always look it UP !




    An amazing ‘2’ letter English word.

    A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

    UP

    This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’

    It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

    It’s easy to understand UP,
    meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
    but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

    at a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
    why do we speak UP,
    why are the officers UP for election
    why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
    we call UP our friends,
    brighten UP a room,
    polish UP the silver,
    warm UP the leftovers
    clean UP the kitchen.
    we lock UP the house
    and we fix UP the old car.

    At other times, this little word has real special meaning.
    people stir UP trouble,
    line UP for tickets,
    work UP an appetite,
    and think UP excuses.

    To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

    And this UP is confusing:
    a drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
    we open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

    We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

    To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

    If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
    It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

    When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
    When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.
    When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.
    When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

    One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

    Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
    U
    P !
    Did that one crack you UP?

    Now I’ll shut UP !



    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

  11. Likes Snow Dodge, Power247, Ryankables liked this post
  12. Top Of Page | #80
    Old & Grumpy! Polaraco's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by AnOldBiker View Post
    I've always like this one, that's why I always look it UP !




    An amazing ‘2’ letter English word.

    A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

    UP

    This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’

    It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

    It’s easy to understand UP,
    meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
    but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

    at a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
    why do we speak UP,
    why are the officers UP for election
    why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
    we call UP our friends,
    brighten UP a room,
    polish UP the silver,
    warm UP the leftovers
    clean UP the kitchen.
    we lock UP the house
    and we fix UP the old car.

    At other times, this little word has real special meaning.
    people stir UP trouble,
    line UP for tickets,
    work UP an appetite,
    and think UP excuses.

    To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

    And this UP is confusing:
    a drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
    we open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

    We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

    To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

    If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
    It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

    When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
    When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.
    When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.
    When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

    One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

    Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
    U
    P !
    Did that one crack you UP?

    Now I’ll shut UP !
    You crack me UP. LOL


    2003- 3500 RWD Automatic.
    S & B intake, BD Intercooler, Pusher Air Horn, MM3 Double R Tuning, Turbo Timer, electric Flex-a-lite fans, FASS 95,
    50 HP tips, upgrade to 351 turbo, 3.42 gears, Twin air compressors, air bags, Remote dual oil filters, Hellwig sway bar, Front Winch. Home made Fuel Heater, BD Exhaust brake with Torque Lock. Tons of TLC

  13. Likes Snow Dodge liked this post
Page 8 of 10 FirstFirst ... 678910 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •