Thanks Thanks:  15
Likes Likes:  122
Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 51

Thread: JOKES November 2017

  1. Top Of Page | #21
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017

    Found this in another forum.
    I don't know if this is true or not .. but I thought it was really funny .......

    **********


    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, sweet feed it on corn for a few weeks, then butcher it and eat it. Yum! Corn-fed venison. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.

    Since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not have much fear of me (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck four feet away) it should not be difficult to rope one, toss a bag over its head to calm it down, then hog-tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder and hid behind it with my rope. The cattle, having seen a roping or two before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

    After 20 minutes, my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked a likely looking one, stepped out, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell she was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

    I took a step toward it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and received an education. The first thing I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, it is spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

    That deer EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that, pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range, I could fight down with some dignity. A deer? No chance.

    That thing ran and bucked, it twisted and pulled. There was no controlling that deer, and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer firmly attached to a rope was not such a good idea. The only upside is that they do not have much stamina.

    A brief ten minutes later it was tired, and not as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

    At that point, I had lost my appetite for corn-fed venison. I hated the thing, and would hazard a guess that the feeling was mutual. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. But if I let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painful somewhere.

    Despite the gash in my head, and several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's pell-mell flight by bracing my head against large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to suffer a slow death.

    I managed to get it lined up between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand, like a squeeze chute. I backed it in there, and I started moving forward to get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite ? They do !

    I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab hold of that rope, and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like a horse, it does not just bite and let go. A deer bites and shakes its head, like a pit bull. They bite HARD and won't let go. It hurts !

    The proper reaction when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and wrenching away. My method was ineffective. It felt like that deer bit and shook me for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

    I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I learned my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up and strike at head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned long ago that when a horse strikes at you with its hooves and you can't get away, the best thing to do is make a loud noise and move aggressively towards the animal. This will cause it to back down a bit, so you can make your escape.

    This was not a horse. This was a deer. Obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and turned to run.

    The reason we have been taught NOT to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer are not so different from horses after all, other than being twice as strong and three times as evil. The second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

    When a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately depart. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What it does instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you, while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck, and the deer went away.

    Now I know why people go deer hunting with a rifle and a scope.

    It's so they can be somewhat equal to the prey.



    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

  2. Thanks Jcvititow thanked for this post
  3. Top Of Page | #22
    Old & Grumpy! Polaraco's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017

    A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."
    Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."


    2003- 3500 RWD Automatic.
    S & B intake, BD Intercooler, Pusher Air Horn, MM3 Double R Tuning, Turbo Timer, electric Flex-a-lite fans, FASS 95,
    50 HP tips, upgrade to 351 turbo, 3.42 gears, Twin air compressors, air bags, Remote dual oil filters, Hellwig sway bar, Front Winch. Home made Fuel Heater, BD Exhaust brake with Torque Lock. Tons of TLC

  4. Likes watersupply189, Jcvititow, AnOldBiker liked this post
  5. Top Of Page | #23
    Old & Grumpy! Polaraco's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017


    2003- 3500 RWD Automatic.
    S & B intake, BD Intercooler, Pusher Air Horn, MM3 Double R Tuning, Turbo Timer, electric Flex-a-lite fans, FASS 95,
    50 HP tips, upgrade to 351 turbo, 3.42 gears, Twin air compressors, air bags, Remote dual oil filters, Hellwig sway bar, Front Winch. Home made Fuel Heater, BD Exhaust brake with Torque Lock. Tons of TLC

  6. Top Of Page | #24
    Old & Grumpy! Polaraco's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017

    Common sense advice from a trainer!

    I was working out at the Gym this morning when in walked this sweet young thing.


    I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that young lady over there?"

    The trainer looked at me and said, "I would recommend the ATM machine in the Lobby."


    2003- 3500 RWD Automatic.
    S & B intake, BD Intercooler, Pusher Air Horn, MM3 Double R Tuning, Turbo Timer, electric Flex-a-lite fans, FASS 95,
    50 HP tips, upgrade to 351 turbo, 3.42 gears, Twin air compressors, air bags, Remote dual oil filters, Hellwig sway bar, Front Winch. Home made Fuel Heater, BD Exhaust brake with Torque Lock. Tons of TLC

  7. Likes AnOldBiker, watersupply189, Power247 liked this post
  8. Top Of Page | #25
    hoe's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017

    A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

    There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

    The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one day the ship sank.

    The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

    Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK...OK, I give up. Where's the f*cking ship?"

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk


  9. Top Of Page | #26
    hoe's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017

    Looking for a Good Home.

    My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.

    She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little... high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!

    So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed.

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk


  10. Top Of Page | #27
    hoe's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017

    It was just after the end of the second world war and a US Marine was traveling across France by train to board his ship for home.

    The train was quite crowded and the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

    The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

    'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

    She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bit$h out of the window'.

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk


  11. Top Of Page | #28
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by AnOldBiker View Post
    Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

    The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

    Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

    The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

    The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

    The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

    "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

    "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

    The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

    "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
    Ha Ha

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  12. Top Of Page | #29
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by hoe View Post
    Looking for a Good Home.

    My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.

    She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little... high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!

    So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed.

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk
    Ha Ha

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  13. Top Of Page | #30
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

    User Info Menu

    Re: JOKES November 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by Polaraco View Post
    Common sense advice from a trainer!

    I was working out at the Gym this morning when in walked this sweet young thing.


    I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that young lady over there?"

    The trainer looked at me and said, "I would recommend the ATM machine in the Lobby."
    Ha Ha

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •