JOKES Ocotber 2017

[AnOldBiker]

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago !"

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[Polaraco]

A new phenomenon called
E-MOONING

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ***

(__!__) a fat ***

(!) a tight ***

(_*_) an *** hole

{_!_} a swishy ***

(_o_) an *** that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ***

(_X_) leave my *** alone

(_zzz_) a tired ***

(_E=mc2_) a smart ***

(_$_) Money coming out of his ***

(_?_) Dumb ***

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[Polaraco]

An elderly couple learned to send
text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English
instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an
unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy
chief petty officer of thirty years’
service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the
local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee. While
awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill
by sending her husband a romantic
text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your
dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.. If you are
drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me
your tears. I love you."

The husband responded:
"I'm takin' a schit. Please
advise."

Almost brings a tear to one's
eyes.

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[Polaraco]

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.
"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.
By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"
"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

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[AnOldBiker]

Every mighty oak tree started out as a nut who stood its ground!

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[watersupply189]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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[AnOldBiker]

"Oh God," sighed my wife this morning:
"I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

I looked up from the newspaper and commented:
"I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it everyday for decades !"

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[AnOldBiker]

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[AnOldBiker]

There was an Army enlisted man at a local Army base and a Marine enlisted man at a local Marine base. Each had orders to deliver materials to the other base and they both started out in the middle of the night as ordered.

They had to travel the same highway, one heading east and the other heading west. They were trying quickly to get there early and return back to their base for an easy night.

While traveling, they had a head on collision with the others vehicle.

The Army guy crawled out of his car and looked at his vehicle, all twisted in a pile of metal junk and thanked God he was uninjured. The Marine managed to pull himself from his vehicle and was amazed he lived and said, “I can’t believed I survived this wreck.”

The Army guy walked over to the Marine and said, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.” The Marne thinks of this for a minute and says. “You know you’re right. We should be friends.”

The Army guy walks back to his vehicle to see if anything else survived the accident and when he pops open the truck, and finds a bottle of whiskey that was unbroken, sealed and full. He said to the Marine, “Yes ... this has to be a sign that we should drink to our luck and new friendship.”

The Marine came over and agreed, taking the bottle and gulped down half the bottle, then handing it to his new Army friend. He said ‘Your turn friend !”

The Army guy twisted to caps back on the bottle and said, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to come first.”

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[AnOldBiker]

Why is it that we have to choose from just two people to run for President of the nation ...
... but get to choose over fifty people for Miss America ?

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