Jokes April 2017

[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

I've always like this one, that's why I always look it UP !




An amazing ‘2’ letter English word.

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’

It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP,
meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

at a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
why do we speak UP,
why are the officers UP for election
why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
we call UP our friends,
brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver,
warm UP the leftovers
clean UP the kitchen.
we lock UP the house
and we fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.
people stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite,
and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:
a drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
we open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.
When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
U
P !
Did that one crack you UP?

Now I’ll shut UP !

Very true and really awesome never thought about it before

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[AnOldBiker]

Ok United ...



.

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[hoe]

I was in a pub recently and I told that joke about what to do when an epileptic has a fit in a bath - throw the washing in.

Well, everyone pretty much cracked up, except this one guy, who said his brother was an epileptic and died in a bathtub.

Feeling pretty bad about the joke I just told, I said "Geez, I'm so sorry mate, how did he die?"

To which the guy answered "He choked to death on a sock."

Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk

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[Polaraco]

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?”

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."

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[Polaraco]

@AnOldBiker This is us Jim

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS. WE'LL WIN.

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[AnOldBiker]

Did YOU ever lie to your children?

If you lied to your children, they are going to tell you that the nursing home is a Sandals Resort.

Below are some of the doozies received from parents who lied to their children — AFTER the children found out .

1. My Mom’s friend got tired of her kids eating her scallops when they went to restaurants, so she told them that scallops are “Dolphin *****.”

2. The rumble strips on the highway are for the blind drivers. It took me seven years to realize blind people don’t drive!

3. My dad told me that oil spots on the street were little kids that got run over because they didn’t hold anyone’s hand while crossing the street.

4. “When you lie, your ears turn red.” I covered my ears every time I lied.

5. My grandmother told my mother that the left boob is for regular milk and the right is for chocolate milk. Mom believed this until she was in high school and took sex ed.

6. If the ice cream truck is playing music, it means they have run out of ice cream.

7. My Dad told me that if I swallow chewing gum my poops would bounce up and down in the toilet. I cried when I swallowed some gum.

8. My mother told me that when earthquake happens, our planet is fighting with another planet. I believed that **** until the second grade.

9. My Dad used to tell me Santa was tired of milk and cookies. I’d get extra toys if I left Doritos and a beer. That went on for years.

10. Oh no, this isn’t Cola it’s black water you wouldn’t like it.

11. My dad told me that pushing the seat recline button on an airplane helps the plane take off, and that if not enough people push it the plane would crash.

12. People get 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, Dad would say, “Careful now, I have to think you are up over 9,000 by now.” That would shut me right up.

13. When I was little, my dad told me that Pulp Fiction was a documentary on oranges because he didn’t want me to watch it.

14. I told my kids that if they didn’t behave in the drive-thru lane, they’d get a Sad Meal.

15. When we went to the store my mom used to tell me, “Every time I touch something a kitten dies.”

16. My mom told me that if I ate raw cookie dough I’d get worms.

17. Grandma said: “If you wander off, the boogie man will kill you and make sausage out of you.”

18. “They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.”

19. Chuck E Cheese is only for birthday parties. You have to be invited to one to go there.

20. My parents got me to eat calamari by telling me they were “Italian Onion Rings”.

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[AnOldBiker]

The Actual End ....

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[Polaraco]

The Actual End ....

There's a knee slapper

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?”

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."

Ha Ha funny

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

@AnOldBiker This is us Jim

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS. WE'LL WIN.

Good one

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