Jokes April 2017

[AnOldBiker]

He was in ecstasy .. with a huge smile on his face .. as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again … back and forth … back and forth … in and out … in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she could tell she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted .....

“OK, OK ! So I can’t park a car ! You do it, you smug S.O.B. !

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[AnOldBiker]

Men say that women should come with instructions.
Now ask ... what’s the point ?
Have you ever seen a man actually read them ?

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[hoe]

A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says, "Joe, you could do something useful like vacuum the house once a week".

The guy gives it a moment's thought and says: "Sure, why not. Where's the vacuum?"

Half an hour later, Joe walks into the kitchen to get some coffee.

His wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum running. I thought you were going to use it."

Exasperated, Joe answers, "The stupid thing is broken. It won't start. We need to buy a new one."

"Really", she says, "Show me - It worked fine the last time I used it".

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/X...leaner_dvd.mp4

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

He was in ecstasy .. with a huge smile on his face .. as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again … back and forth … back and forth … in and out … in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she could tell she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted .....

“OK, OK ! So I can’t park a car ! You do it, you smug S.O.B. !

Ha Ha

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.

“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.

“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. “How did it go?” he asked.

“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”

“Oh, no! What in the world happened?”

“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”

“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

After his exam
the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in
good health. Do you have
any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?"


"In fact, I
do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my
wife, I am usually cold and
chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time,
I am usually hot
and sweaty."


Later, after
examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like
to discuss with
me?"


She replied
that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then
said to her: "Your
husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually
cold and chilly
after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and
sweaty after the
second time. Do you know why?"


"Oh that
crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because
the first time is usually in
January and the second time is in
August.

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[hoe]

"Son, you will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life"

"But the wedding isn't until tomorrow dad"

"I know, son"

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...fec5067d1c.jpg


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Absolutely

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[hoe]

.

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

A husband and wife were driving home in their car one Saturday evening when a traffic officer pulls them over.

"Good evening sir" says the cop. "Good evening officer, what seems to be the problem?" says the husband with a friendly and cooperative smile.

"Sir, I noticed one of your headlights are not burning, I'm afraid I'm going to have to write you a ticket." "Oh officer" says the man, "this is honestly the first I know of it, last night both were still burning brilliantly, I check them regularly, but tonight I forgot."

"Rubbish!" the wife chips in. "Officer, I've been telling him about it for a month now, and he still hasn't fixed the damn thing."

The husband turns to his wife and under his breath he says to her: "What the f*ck woman?! Would you shut your mouth? What the hell are you doing?"

"U-ummm" the officer interrupts. "I see your one wiper-blade is perished too sir, I'm afraid that's another ticket." "Oh officer, that's the first I know of it, honestly, I just replaced the things a week ago! Must have been a defective pair I bought." says the man, very humbly.

"O c'mon! Officer, that thing's been like that for two months, longer than the headlight! Every time it rains, I nearly crash because I can't see through the windscreen. He just refuses to listen to me asking him to fix it." the wife interjects again.

"What the f*ck!!!?" the husband grumbles to her under his breath. "Are you stupid? What the f*ck are you doing woman?!"

The officer leans into the car and says "Ma'am, is your husband always this rude to you?" "Oh no" she answers. "Only when he's had too much to drink!"

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Ha Ha

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