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Thread: Jokes April 2017

  1. Top Of Page | #11
    4kids2dogs&RV's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017


  2. Top Of Page | #12
    Old & Grumpy! Polaraco's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017

    A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

    The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

    "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

    The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

    "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

    Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"


    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
    @AnOldBiker



    2003- 3500 RWD Automatic.
    S & B intake, BD Intercooler, Pusher Air Horn, MM3 Double R Tuning, Turbo Timer, electric Flex-a-lite fans, FASS 95,
    50 HP tips, upgrade to 351 turbo, 3.42 gears, Twin air compressors, air bags, Remote dual oil filters, Hellwig sway bar, Front Winch. Home made Fuel Heater, BD Exhaust brake with Torque Lock. Tons of TLC

  3. Top Of Page | #13
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by Polaraco View Post
    A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

    The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

    "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

    The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

    "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

    Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"


    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
    @AnOldBiker
    Ha Ha

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  4. Top Of Page | #14
    HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by 4kids2dogs&RV View Post
    Yes indeed

    2012 Cummins Ram 6.7L MM3 tuner full 5" Flo Pro TBE Exhaust LWBCC 4x4 Mag Hytec Double Deep Transmission Pan , Mag Hytec Rear Diff Cover
    Airlift part # 57595 7500lbs airbags ,Nitto Ridge Grapplers 35/12.50/20 on XD 829 Big Hoss ll Satin Black Machined Dark Tint 20 x 9 with + 18 offset rims,MM3 Tuner With full Custom Tunes by Ray at DRD , Autometer A13117 Pillar Pod , Edge 98004 mount adapter , Mag Hytec front diff cover, SuperNova V4 LED Headlight Bulbs

  5. Top Of Page | #15
    Old & Grumpy! Polaraco's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017

    My husband had just lost 50 pounds when, after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.
    When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.
    "No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."


    2003- 3500 RWD Automatic.
    S & B intake, BD Intercooler, Pusher Air Horn, MM3 Double R Tuning, Turbo Timer, electric Flex-a-lite fans, FASS 95,
    50 HP tips, upgrade to 351 turbo, 3.42 gears, Twin air compressors, air bags, Remote dual oil filters, Hellwig sway bar, Front Winch. Home made Fuel Heater, BD Exhaust brake with Torque Lock. Tons of TLC

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  7. Top Of Page | #16
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017

    An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

    “What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

    “Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.

    “Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

    “What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.

    “It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said.

    She called the doctor the very next afternoon. “How did it go?” he asked.

    “Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”

    “Oh, no! What in the world happened?”

    “Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”

    “Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”

    “Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”



    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

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  9. Top Of Page | #17
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017

    I always wondered why Waldo was hiding in the first place.
    Now it makes perfect sense.
    Wonder what the heck he did to set off a man hunt like that ?







    Attached Images Attached Images


    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

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  11. Top Of Page | #18
    hoe's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017

    An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
    comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
    the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
    around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
    asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
    "Yes, I am."

    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
    back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
    "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
    dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
    water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
    "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

    By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
    again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
    he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

    The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

    (get ready for this)

    The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
    catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

    "Are you sure this is where he fell in?”


    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk


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  13. Top Of Page | #19
    Old & Grumpy! Polaraco's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by hoe View Post
    An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
    comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
    the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
    around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
    asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
    "Yes, I am."

    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
    back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
    "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
    dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
    water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
    "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

    By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
    again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
    he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

    The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

    (get ready for this)

    The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
    catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

    "Are you sure this is where he fell in?”


    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk
    Dooohhhhh


    2003- 3500 RWD Automatic.
    S & B intake, BD Intercooler, Pusher Air Horn, MM3 Double R Tuning, Turbo Timer, electric Flex-a-lite fans, FASS 95,
    50 HP tips, upgrade to 351 turbo, 3.42 gears, Twin air compressors, air bags, Remote dual oil filters, Hellwig sway bar, Front Winch. Home made Fuel Heater, BD Exhaust brake with Torque Lock. Tons of TLC

  14. Top Of Page | #20
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes April 2017

    I was always told ...

    No one will listen to you ... until you fart !

    A closed mouth gathers no foot !

    Generally, you are not learning much when your mouth is moving !






    And at my age ...

    'Never', and I mean 'Never' .. take a sleeping pill and a laxative together !




    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

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