JOKES MARCH 2018

[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

I often wondered what my parents did for fun. I asked my 26 siblings, and they didn't know either. :P

That’s just to dang corny but funny also

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

The reason Mayberry RFD was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.

Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis ..... and he stayed drunk.

I Rest My Case..

Good one

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[Polaraco]

As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink…. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion!

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink…. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion!

Ha ha good one

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[Polaraco]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her
to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he
realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs.
Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they
help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is
absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She
reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I
know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass
of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe
me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!

------------------------------

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the
gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby
wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll
have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the
baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or
I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious
man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to
get off four stops ago!"

------------------------------

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The
question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put
to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off
the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.

------------------------------

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It
was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're
waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi
driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for
money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true
Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a
few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what
happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

------------------------------

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female
neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did
this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14
children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium
used to be.

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[AnOldBiker]

imagine.jpg

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[AnOldBiker]

1jj.jpg

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her
to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he
realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs.
Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they
help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is
absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She
reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I
know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass
of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe
me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!

------------------------------

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the
gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby
wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll
have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the
baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or
I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious
man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to
get off four stops ago!"

------------------------------

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The
question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put
to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off
the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.

------------------------------

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It
was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're
waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi
driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for
money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true
Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a
few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what
happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

------------------------------

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female
neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did
this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14
children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium
used to be.

Ha ha very funny

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