JOKES Feb 2018

[Polaraco]

Attachment 6254

I see your getting ready for your trip. Think that will last to Vegas?

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[AnOldBiker]

I see your getting ready for your trip. Think that will last to Vegas?

Trip is off for now. Not sure if we will be going this year. Found out that my older brother has cancer.
Not going anywhere until we find out if it's early and can be treated ... or what.

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

Trip is off for now. Not sure if we will be going this year. Found out that my older brother has cancer.
Not going anywhere until we find out if it's early and can be treated ... or what.

So sorry to hear about your brother bro God Bless and we’ll keep you in our prayers

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Luthern Orthodox church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him.
They haven't seen a squirrel since.

Ha ha

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

Murphy's Laws Of Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a happy hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong...
...until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

100% Absolute Truth

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[Polaraco]

Trip is off for now. Not sure if we will be going this year. Found out that my older brother has cancer.
Not going anywhere until we find out if it's early and can be treated ... or what.

You told me about that last week. Have you heard any more? I've been giving you and him silent prayers.

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[AnOldBiker]

Waiting for the biopsy report to come back. Still a couple days to go. Then whatever he needs we'll go from there. It's the waiting .....



(and thanks for the prayers ...)

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[Polaraco]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.


They were determined to make this a real vacation by not Wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon As the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some Really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach Chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when A 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came Walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each Of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both Stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So The next day, they went back to the store and bought even More outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw Them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in Their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, The same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored Topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward Them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started To walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any Longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in The world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.


They were determined to make this a real vacation by not Wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon As the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some Really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach Chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when A 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came Walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each Of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both Stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So The next day, they went back to the store and bought even More outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw Them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in Their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, The same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored Topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward Them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started To walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any Longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in The world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'

Ha ha

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[AnOldBiker]

I've seen this before ... and just found it again ... and this is the last one from me for this month !


*******


Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for ...the environment.
The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."


The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day.

The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.


Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.


We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up electricity. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the"green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?




This is to other old people like I ... who needs a lesson in conservation with a young smart ***.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off ... especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

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