JOKES January 2018 Happy New Year

**HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN** · 01-30-2018

Originally Posted by AnOldBiker

Old age is golden, or so I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into bed,

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My glasses on the table until I get up,

As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf ?

The reason I know my youth is all spent,
Is my get-up-and-go had got up and went !

But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin,
And think of the places my getup has been !

*****

Women … if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man,
Just smile really big and ask him: “Notice anything different ?”

*****

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused.
Then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

Ha ha

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**HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN** · 01-30-2018

Originally Posted by AnOldBiker

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country, which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

I can't understand why women are OK that J. C. Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us."
If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

Ha ha funny

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**Zeus1911** · 01-30-2018

Originally Posted by Polaraco

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.*

*If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!*

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”*