JOKES Feb 2018

[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los Angeles Airport.


The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”


The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart.”


The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.”


Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart.”


The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”


Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart.”


The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed. "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a c**p?’ … I learned to say, ‘Well, bless your heart’!”

This is priceless

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[AnOldBiker]

A visiting Priest was attending a men’s breakfast in Ohio Farm County.
He asked one of the impressive older farmers in attendance to say grace that morning.
After all were seated, the older farmer began ------



“Lord, I hate buttermilk.”

The Priest opened one eye and wondered to himself where this was going.

Then the farmer loudly proclaimed, “Lord, I hate lard.”

Now the Priest was overly worried.

However without missing a beat, the farmer prayed on, “And Lord, you know I don’t care much for raw white flour.”

Just as the Priest was ready to stand and stop everything, but the farmer continued.

“But Lord, when you mix ‘em all together and bake ‘em up, I do love fresh biscuits. So Lord, when things come up we don’t like, when life gets hard, when we just don’t understand what you are sayin' to us, we just need to relax and wait ‘till You are done mixin’, and probably it will be somethin' even better than biscuits.

Amen.”





“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.”

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[Polaraco]

Attachment 6188

Boy that's the truth.

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[AnOldBiker]

25 Signs That You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the music.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt .

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[Polaraco]

Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

25 Signs That You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the music.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt .

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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[AnOldBiker]

A guy walks into a bar sits down and tells the bartender "12 shots of your best whiskey, line em up!!"
The bartender replies " Look man, we got GOOD whiskeys here, you'e talking 30 bucks a shot!"
To which the guy replies "12 shots, POUR EM!!"
The bartender sets up 12 shot glasses and pours 12 shots.
The guy goes right down the line, boom, boom, boom...... Does all 12 shots.
The bartender looks at the guy and says "Damn! I'e NEVER seen anyone drink like that before!!"
The guy replies "If you had what I've got you'd drink like that!"
The bartender says "Oh no man, what do you have?"
The guy says "Six dollars!!!"

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[HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN]

A guy walks into a bar sits down and tells the bartender "12 shots of your best whiskey, line em up!!"
The bartender replies " Look man, we got GOOD whiskeys here, you'e talking 30 bucks a shot!"
To which the guy replies "12 shots, POUR EM!!"
The bartender sets up 12 shot glasses and pours 12 shots.
The guy goes right down the line, boom, boom, boom...... Does all 12 shots.
The bartender looks at the guy and says "Damn! I'e NEVER seen anyone drink like that before!!"
The guy replies "If you had what I've got you'd drink like that!"
The bartender says "Oh no man, what do you have?"
The guy says "Six dollars!!!"

Ha Ha funny

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[AnOldBiker]

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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