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Thread: Jokes August 2017

  1. Top Of Page | #41
    Old & Grumpy! Polaraco's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    Quote Originally Posted by AnOldBiker View Post
    Thirty-two strange things to get your mind off politics !

    You may find yourself wondering how you've lived this long without knowing this stuff?




    1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

    2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

    3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

    4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

    5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

    6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

    7. A 2"X4" stud is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

    8. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur,' a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).

    9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries.)

    10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

    11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

    12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564.

    13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

    14. The name 'Wendy' was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded 'Wendy' before. (Except on this forum. Happy Birthday, Wendy!)

    15. The first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

    16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this?)

    17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

    18. The first CD pressed in the U.S. was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA.'

    19. The original name for butter-fly was flutter by (and that is a more accurate description).

    20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

    21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

    22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

    23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back you cannot sink into quicksand.

    24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

    25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. (???)

    26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

    27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

    28. An old law in Bellingham, Wash., made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps back while dancing!

    29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

    30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

    31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.

    32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!








    See, now wasn't that calming and nice for a change?
    33. @AnOldBiker took a bath on a Friday because Saturday he was going to sleep


    2003- 3500 RWD Automatic.
    S & B intake, BD Intercooler, Pusher Air Horn, MM3 Double R Tuning, Turbo Timer, electric Flex-a-lite fans, FASS 95,
    50 HP tips, upgrade to 351 turbo, 3.42 gears, Twin air compressors, air bags, Remote dual oil filters, Hellwig sway bar, Front Winch. Home made Fuel Heater, BD Exhaust brake with Torque Lock. Tons of TLC

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  3. Top Of Page | #42
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    My wife said:
    God made man before woman ... so the man would have time to think of an answer for the woman's first question.



    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

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  5. Top Of Page | #43
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    These are classified ads:


    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old,
    Hateful little *******.
    Bites!


    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


    FREE PUPPIES.
    Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.


    JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
    Must sell washer and dryer $100.


    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    Worn once , by mistake.
    Call Stephanie.


    **** And the WINNER is... ****


    FOR SALE BY OWNER
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
    Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.



    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

  6. Top Of Page | #44
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

    The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

    "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

    The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

    The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

    The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

    "He is a veterinarian," she answered.

    "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?

    The Woman answered proudly "In Nevada... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno"



    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

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  8. Top Of Page | #45
    hoe's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    A stewardess goes to the flight deck and says "Captain, I believe we have a human trafficker on board. There is a pretty, younger lady back there next to this ugly, horrible, fat, old, slobbering sexual deviant!".

    The captain says "You're new here, aren't you? This is Air Force One".

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk


  9. Top Of Page | #46
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

    "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

    "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."

    "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

    The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

    "Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."



    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

  10. Top Of Page | #47
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    Newspaper Readership

    Mark Twain — “If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.”



    1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

    2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

    3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

    4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.

    5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

    6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

    7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

    8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

    9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison who used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.

    10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

    11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

    12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

    13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.





    2927.jpg



    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

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  12. Top Of Page | #48
    hoe's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    .

    Sent from my LON-L29 using Tapatalk


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  14. Top Of Page | #49
    Old & Grumpy! Polaraco's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
    her what is wrong with you in a room full of other
    patients.

    I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way
    this old guy handled it.

    A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
    approached the desk.

    The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the
    Doctor for today?'

    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You
    shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say
    things like that. '

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told
    you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some
    embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have
    said there is something wrong with your ear or something and
    discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
    private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions
    in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass
    anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then
    re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he
    had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear,
    Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter...

    Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose.


    2003- 3500 RWD Automatic.
    S & B intake, BD Intercooler, Pusher Air Horn, MM3 Double R Tuning, Turbo Timer, electric Flex-a-lite fans, FASS 95,
    50 HP tips, upgrade to 351 turbo, 3.42 gears, Twin air compressors, air bags, Remote dual oil filters, Hellwig sway bar, Front Winch. Home made Fuel Heater, BD Exhaust brake with Torque Lock. Tons of TLC

  15. Top Of Page | #50
    Old... But Still Here! AnOldBiker's Avatar

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    Re: Jokes August 2017

    The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA)

    Democratic Senators are considering introducing legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.

    “Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

    In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.

    At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

    Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.

    The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

    Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?” “As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey”.

    Said Sen. Dick Durbin, II: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

    This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Maxine (WaWa) Waters, Elizabeth (Nut Case) Warren and Nancy Pelosi.......all Americans With No Abilities whatsoever!!



    Jim


    2006 ~ 2500HD, Big Horn Edition, 5.9, 4x4, Q/Cab, 48RE, L/B, 3.73, S&B CAI & Snout, ProFlo 5" S/S exhaust, Smarty Touch, Oil ByPass Kit, 60 gal main tank, 110 gallon in-bed tank, XX-Fuel Filter System, Coolant Bypass Kit, Mag-Hytec front & rear end covers and trans pan, 285 x 70 x 17

    "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States, where men 'were' free." ~ Ronald Regan

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