JOKES January 2018 Happy New Year

**AnOldBiker** · 01-13-2018

Old age is golden, or so I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into bed,

With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My glasses on the table until I get up,

As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf ?

The reason I know my youth is all spent,
Is my get-up-and-go had got up and went !

But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin,
And think of the places my getup has been !

*****

Women … if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man,
Just smile really big and ask him: “Notice anything different ?”

*****

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused.
Then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

0 Comment(s)

**AnOldBiker** · 01-15-2018

A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.

"Can you imagine, a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."

*****

Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5 didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??

Lovely, just lovely .... sometimes I worry about you guys.

0 Comment(s)

**HKBIGDADDYDIESELDAN** · 01-15-2018

Originally Posted by AnOldBiker

A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.

"Can you imagine, a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."

*****

Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5 didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??

Lovely, just lovely .... sometimes I worry about you guys.

That’s funny bud

0 Comment(s)

**AnOldBiker** · 01-15-2018

My wife told me I only had two faults.
I don't listen ... and something else she was rattling about.

0 Comment(s)

**F350Cummins** · 01-16-2018

So I made a snowman
8:00 ^
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: When it's this cold, stay inside.

0 Comment(s)

**AnOldBiker** · 01-16-2018

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Telephone party lines
8. News reels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone number with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12. Howdy Doody
13. 45 RPM records
14. S&H green stamps
15. Hi-Fi's
16. Metal ice trays with lever
17. Mimeograph paper
18. Blue flashbulb
19. Packards
20. Roller skate keys
21. Cork popguns

If you remembered:
0-5 = You're still young If you remembered
6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered
11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered
16-21 = You're older than dirt !

(yes ... I'm in the 16-21 group)

0 Comment(s)

**AnOldBiker** · 01-19-2018

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and the two boys went to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?’

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?’

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.

0 Comment(s)

**Polaraco** · 01-19-2018

Originally Posted by AnOldBiker

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1 Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Telephone party lines
8. News reels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone number with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12. Howdy Doody
13. 45 RPM records
14. S&H green stamps
15. Hi-Fi's
16. Metal ice trays with lever
17. Mimeograph paper
18. Blue flashbulb
19. Packards
20. Roller skate keys
21. Cork popguns

If you remembered:
0-5 = You're still young If you remembered
6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered
11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered
16-21 = You're older than dirt !

(yes ... I'm in the 16-21 group)

Heh All but #1. Anyone with a shovel, try not to disturb me

0 Comment(s)